Been feeling “kinda MEH ” lately and I’ve been trying to dig into myself to see what the fuck went wrong …??
To be honest.. I was not ready for this chapter …. I mean who is ever ready for anything anyway …? Or you guys are usually 💯 about everything you do ?
After some digging… I realized I was not well equipped for this level of life…you know ..like unprepared…turning 26 and I feel older and more tired and heavy. So unsure of myself that it’s exhausting.
Did my parents not let me “live life ” enough that I’m this confused the moment I leave the nest …and all I want is to be back home ?? In my room where it’s a little bit easier ? The space I so loved and cherished .. ?
That feeling of home ?
Why do i feel so sad suddenly as I write this ? I’m in a limbo state …not even sure if I’m strong enough for this adulting phase …
It gets worse when friends, agemates , seem to have it figured out .. they have someone to love them , someone to love ,something to work so hard for ,building family life etc … yet there’s me … sitting half naked feeling pad friction between my thighs in someone else’s house… everything has been working in utter disharmony… .. my body doesn’t feel like my own … the puzzle of adulting feels more and more like an impossible maze to figure out…
Again that “Meh” feeling is quite overwhelming right about now …
Is it fear that’s stopping me? Why do I feel so tired and angry ? And disappointed so far …
Did I make the right choice with the current job I have ?
Does it feel right to quit and try something else?
Will they find me stupid and immature if I quit and go back to my parent’s house …
They will for sure be quite disappointed in me …
How lonely is it you asked …? It’s so lonely I hardly cook anything anymore…it’s so lonely the only hug I got today was from a work mate … and It felt so good to be hugged by another person 😌…. yet here I am … wondering if I smoked weed and drunk the half bottle of wine in the fridge would I be doing it to feel less alone ..or will it amplify the aloneness?
It’s been so lonely I literally made not just one move …but several (embarrassing) moves on a pharmacist across-the-road …… despite the many times he’s showed me I’m not his type and doesn’t want anything to do with me other than sell me drugs…(like pharmaceutical products 😂) 🥶🤡🤡 some clown ass shit right here ..lol he’s kinda hot though 😬🤥.
But then again … being me ,Rita, I feel way too much 😅 overthinking must have been my middlename in one of my previous lives…
I’m very proud that I learnt just how emotional , tender , passionate,tough yet so delicate I am … I’m an absolute vibe despite the pessimism that I can’t quite shake off ….
I might not be ready for adulting… but I haven’t given up yet .. and I’m not going to… coz I’m so fucking proud of myself this far …
So yes… imma smoke a joint tonight… probably laugh through some memes by myself.. sip on MY wine … and feel every emotion that comes my way …
Ready or not … life is happening at this very moment…if I don’t acknowledge this feeling I have ( yeah ..that Meh kind of feeling) how else will I say “I’ve lived , I’ve felt and I’ve learnt?? “
Voluptuous Delight 