Adulting..???😑

Been feeling “kinda MEH ” lately and I’ve been trying to dig into myself to see what the fuck went wrong …??

To be honest.. I was not ready for this chapter …. I mean who is ever ready for anything anyway …? Or you guys are usually 💯 about everything you do ?

After some digging… I realized I was not well equipped for this level of life…you know ..like unprepared…turning 26 and I feel older and more tired and heavy. So unsure of myself that it’s exhausting.

Did my parents not let me “live life ” enough that I’m this confused the moment I leave the nest …and all I want is to be back home ?? In my room where it’s a little bit easier ? The space I so loved and cherished .. ?

That feeling of home ?

Why do i feel so sad suddenly as I write this ? I’m in a limbo state …not even sure if I’m strong enough for this adulting phase …

It gets worse when friends, agemates , seem to have it figured out .. they have someone to love them , someone to love ,something to work so hard for ,building family life etc … yet there’s me … sitting half naked feeling pad friction between my thighs in someone else’s house… everything has been working in utter disharmony… .. my body doesn’t feel like my own … the puzzle of adulting feels more and more like an impossible maze to figure out…

Again that “Meh” feeling is quite overwhelming right about now …

Is it fear that’s stopping me? Why do I feel so tired and angry ? And disappointed so far …

Did I make the right choice with the current job I have ?

Does it feel right to quit and try something else?

Will they find me stupid and immature if I quit and go back to my parent’s house …

They will for sure be quite disappointed in me …

How lonely is it you asked …? It’s so lonely I hardly cook anything anymore…it’s so lonely the only hug I got today was from a work mate … and It felt so good to be hugged by another person 😌…. yet here I am … wondering if I smoked weed and drunk the half bottle of wine in the fridge would I be doing it to feel less alone ..or will it amplify the aloneness?

It’s been so lonely I literally made not just one move …but several (embarrassing) moves on a pharmacist across-the-road …… despite the many times he’s showed me I’m not his type and doesn’t want anything to do with me other than sell me drugs…(like pharmaceutical products 😂) 🥶🤡🤡 some clown ass shit right here ..lol he’s kinda hot though 😬🤥.

But then again … being me ,Rita, I feel way too much 😅 overthinking must have been my middlename in one of my previous lives…

I’m very proud that I learnt just how emotional , tender , passionate,tough yet so delicate I am … I’m an absolute vibe despite the pessimism that I can’t quite shake off ….

I might not be ready for adulting… but I haven’t given up yet .. and I’m not going to… coz I’m so fucking proud of myself this far …

So yes… imma smoke a joint tonight… probably laugh through some memes by myself.. sip on MY wine … and feel every emotion that comes my way …

Ready or not … life is happening at this very moment…if I don’t acknowledge this feeling I have ( yeah ..that Meh kind of feeling) how else will I say “I’ve lived , I’ve felt and I’ve learnt?? “

It’s okey to not be okey 🙂

EXHALE😌🙇🏾

The Journey must continue …

” …realising your legs ,palms facing up ,close your eyes and come into natural breathing …”

Mid October I decided to try out yoga. Yeah I know what you are thinking. Every time I say this to someone I see their facial expressions change😳.

At this moment I am giving credit to Fightmaster Yoga on YouTube https://youtu.be/CRZmGnF382c for the humbling experience. The hardest part in the whole process was the overwhelming emotions that swept through my entire being after the 20 minutes session. I didn’t expect to be left almost 2 minutes in utter silence as my breathing slowed down, misty sweat on my face became cooler and my mind wondered for a moment and then it went BLANK! If I told you that after the session I cried ,my face in tears,sweat and the annoying snort that comes with crying so hard,would you believe me?…

I have no idea why I cried *hahaha* but I did and it felt so good.

Later that day I put a blanket on the fresh green grass outside and listened to my favourite talks by Alan Watts. I called that moment exhale

We deprive ourselves the relief of letting go.We are afraid of letting go.We hold onto relationships,friendships,jobs,choices,schools, that are in stagnation.We end up roller-coasting on highs and lows around things we think are “worth it” in the notion that if we hold on tight enough things will get better.

“to hold your breath is to lose your breath”

In my mind ,I thought that sitting down and just being was very selfish.That you shouldn’t sit and just free yourself because you just can’t afford it in time or money…That every minute you spend is to build your life, career,secure a good grade,waste no time, work your ass off to pass your examinations, get a good job, secure the money! You and I know the cycle. Rushing up and down to achieve, to meet standards, to chase that which is hard to get, and to live up to the high standards our parents, our friends, the society and the whole aspect of existence have set for us. Waking up to make ends meet. We become anxious and panic and if you find yourself somehow at a point where you are not doing anything ,that only means failure! A woman or man with no direction and no purpose!

Oh! The lies I had been telling myself. I know for a fact that I am nothing close to being accomplished and most likely you aren’t either. I know for a fact that I still have a long way to go. I find myself panicking that I haven’t even made any solid strides in my life. But I have learnt to allow myself to breath, because no amount of anxiety makes any difference to anything that is going to happen!

inhale…..exhale,

Let go…allow yourself to be,just allow yourself to just fucking be, you might drown trying to catch the water… so just Taste,Feel,Hear,Live Love,See,Acknowledge! Do not feel guilty for not being there yet,do not feel guilty for taking a break. Do not feel guilty for just being.

Que Sera Sera,whatever will be will be,the future is not ours,to see

Que Sera Sera

…maybe you were the hero you were waiting for
maybe you were the love of your life all along
maybe you were always happy
and just thought you needed the reassurance of someone safe
to let yourself feel it…

Refresh & Rejuvenate 💆🍋

CUCUMBER-LEMON WATER

Hey..Hey?

Yes you … guess what? … I have this magical drink … works wonders!!…wanna try it?

It’s free… I promise you won’t pay a shilling ..

You don’t believe me?

Okay lemme tell you more about it…

They call it Detox Water..I call it Double R (REFRESH&REJUVENATE).

There was this one time I was so pressured to seriously lose weight … I went online looking for diets and drinks that could make the process shorter .. I found some really nice deals by the way … I tried one of them for like a few weeks ..To be honest i don’t remember much of what happened in  those weeks …i think they were about 3 .I won’t lie to you that was among the worst decision I’ve ever made. Hahaha!! Because i actually gained weight instead of losing … and i hated it ..

Until i sat down and contemplated about the situation …

See ..every time you search for something like lemon or cucumber ..weight loss is like the first thing that pops up… I’m here to remind you that there’s so much more to life than being pressured about your weight,your looks,your skin colour or even your body size big or small ..

I CHOSE to over look the weight loss opinion.

 

Because there’s so much more benefits of these two fruits and other foods as well;

I did some research on cucumber and lemon benefits . Just to mention a few;

CUCUMBER

1.Bone health : Vitamin K in cucumber helps to stimulate healthy blood circulation and promotes bone health

2.Rehydrates the body (its 90% water)

3.Regulates blood pressure

4.Promotes healthy skin and strong healthy hair (my favourite)

Theres so much that such a small veggie can do to you

I get my Cucumbers in Githurai market (I love cheap thrills ) for a bout 20-50 bob depending on the size. So even when I’m like really broke i can just get one and use it for several days …

LEMONS

This tiny fruit is loaded with lots of good and helpful stuff.from nutrients to minerals to vitamins

So this is where I involve you … how about you join me in getting all if not most of  the benefits of lemons 😜 … comment or email me what you found …

Cucumber-water recipe 

INGREDIENTS

3 lemons – sliced

One large cucumber – sliced

Clean drinking water – 1.5 litres

(You can add finely grated ginger and a hand full of mint leaves but its optional)

Mint leaves also available in the market for about 50bob a bunch or 40bob if you bargain ( I get mine at 30bob..yeah I’m OG like that)

PREPARATION

Cut everything up and add in a large jug/pitcher

Add water (ice cubes if available )

Add the mint and ginger if available

Squeeze in some lemon n a teaspoon of lemon if you want to fancy it up

( I just drink it up like that )

A glass of this magic drink every morning and you good to go.

I put mine in a 1ltr bottle and sip sip on it all day …

Try it … I won’t promise that it will taste like rose-water

But yeah that’s my magic drink . Not had a headache in the last two weeks since I started drinking .

You may not see the results immediately but trust me your body will thank you every time .      enjoy:-)

Stay tuned for some more deep talk …